i ****ing hate wedding planning.

Neutral.

so in love with these colors right now.

FREEZE! oh wait, too late.

I should write more often. I love going back to my old xanga posts. Starting at year 2002 and then skip to same month, 2003. 2004. 2005... all the way to 2009. Its surprising how much I've stayed the same throughout the years. Sure, I've grown. But I'm still me. That's a reassuring thought.

I always tell people that I do not enjoy school. I did not celebrate my coming back to school as a postgrad. People tell me I'm crazy. School is so much better than work. I guess God's just blessed me with a job that I love. But after re-reading posts from high school and undergrad, I see now what people miss from those years. I miss my "younger me". The me that would relish in new discoveries and cherish countless hours spent with friends. Nowadays, all I can think about is "How will I pay for my next tank of gas?" or "How can pursuing this profit me in the future and further my success at fill in goal here?" Summers are not meant for "beaching" anymore. No, summers are instead filled up with opportunities to pretty up my resume or lead this event and attend meetings and make more money and... and... and... the list goes on. When did I grow up? When did friends become an accessory and not a necessity?

Again, I am so glad no one knows about this blog.

Reminder to Self:

Sometimes I need to slow down and remember how big God is. The first song I taught my preschoolers at church was "My God is So BIG!" They love the song and I do too. I just need to remember to sing it more often.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately. My "to-do" list is a mile long... I feel as if I am always playing catch up. I was thinking, Maybe I do too much? But after some more prayer, I don't think I am. I think its more the attitude of how I approach the things I've committed to doing. I think the more appropriate statement is: Maybe I do too much without God. Its something that I've always struggled with... and will probably be the biggest challenge for the rest of my life. Self-reliance vs Total Surrender. In total surrender there's always peace. I really do long for that peace right now.

My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY, there's NOTHING my God cannot do!

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20-21

Prayers.

Since nobody reads this...

Prayers:

- identity in Christ

- what ministry has God placed me in?

- what is a leader?

- how do i follow?

- listening > talking

- giving me the heart to serve peers

- restore my relationships; make them Christ-centered

- boldness and action

Thank you God for being sovereign. For always having a plan. Please use me in that plan. Please give me a heart that seeks to live out compassion towards those in need.