i ****ing hate wedding planning.

Neutral.

so in love with these colors right now.

FREEZE! oh wait, too late.

I should write more often. I love going back to my old xanga posts. Starting at year 2002 and then skip to same month, 2003. 2004. 2005... all the way to 2009. Its surprising how much I've stayed the same throughout the years. Sure, I've grown. But I'm still me. That's a reassuring thought.

I always tell people that I do not enjoy school. I did not celebrate my coming back to school as a postgrad. People tell me I'm crazy. School is so much better than work. I guess God's just blessed me with a job that I love. But after re-reading posts from high school and undergrad, I see now what people miss from those years. I miss my "younger me". The me that would relish in new discoveries and cherish countless hours spent with friends. Nowadays, all I can think about is "How will I pay for my next tank of gas?" or "How can pursuing this profit me in the future and further my success at fill in goal here?" Summers are not meant for "beaching" anymore. No, summers are instead filled up with opportunities to pretty up my resume or lead this event and attend meetings and make more money and... and... and... the list goes on. When did I grow up? When did friends become an accessory and not a necessity?

Again, I am so glad no one knows about this blog.

Reminder to Self:

Sometimes I need to slow down and remember how big God is. The first song I taught my preschoolers at church was "My God is So BIG!" They love the song and I do too. I just need to remember to sing it more often.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately. My "to-do" list is a mile long... I feel as if I am always playing catch up. I was thinking, Maybe I do too much? But after some more prayer, I don't think I am. I think its more the attitude of how I approach the things I've committed to doing. I think the more appropriate statement is: Maybe I do too much without God. Its something that I've always struggled with... and will probably be the biggest challenge for the rest of my life. Self-reliance vs Total Surrender. In total surrender there's always peace. I really do long for that peace right now.

My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY, there's NOTHING my God cannot do!

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20-21

Prayers.

Since nobody reads this...

Prayers:

- identity in Christ

- what ministry has God placed me in?

- what is a leader?

- how do i follow?

- listening > talking

- giving me the heart to serve peers

- restore my relationships; make them Christ-centered

- boldness and action

Thank you God for being sovereign. For always having a plan. Please use me in that plan. Please give me a heart that seeks to live out compassion towards those in need.

a "thank you" would have been nice.

speak before you think.

i've noticed how one-sided blogging can be. for example, i only turn to the blog when im feeling frustrated or angry or contemplative (basically anything not too positive). thus, my blog portrays me as the emo type of person, wrapped up in my own feelings/thoughts/concerns. others blog only when they have something to show off - photo skills, fashion skills, philosophical skills, whatever. basically, blogging in its most raw form is egotistical, biased, narcisitic. its a way that a person forms his readers' opinions on himself. you get to paint a picture of yourself and thats all that the reader gets to see. that pretty much goes for all social networking sites too. status updates... tweets... they all shout "HEY LOOK AT ME!"

on another note (actually, its not really a different topic), house episode 3 was awesome. what a great way to expose an international issue to self-involved apathetic americans. people, wake up and open your eyes. there's so much going on outside the bubble we've created for ourselves. and as for domestic issues, people, educate yo'self before you open yo' mouth. don't just listen to what you hear on tv. do the research. check your sources.

i loved THIS VIDEO. it was pretty awesome. watch it.

stale time. things get old.

im glad nobody reads this. and if you do, than i am very sorry for my emo state of mind.

i need to exercise. all this pent up crap is making me so tired.

its so much easier to have a good outlook on things when the day just begins. by nighttime, you want everything to just up and disappear. for example, this morning, when i went to my first case, i had the "i am going to change you, child with autism, into a socially accepted, fact spouting, preschool prodigy" attitude. at 4 o'clock, i was like, "omgah, child, SHUT UP. stop crying or else i will throw you out that window". by the end of the work day, all i could think was "this is the fate you have chosen for yourself. you naive and optimistic fool."

but thats why days end. thats why weeks, months, years exist. humans have put a finish line, a restart button, on time because thats what we need. we need to be able to go to sleep, putting away our troubles for the day, to wake up refreshed and able to tackle the next day. we need to be able to start over when the old year ends and the new one begins. make new year resolutions. start with a blank semester, pretend we all have 100 percents, atleast until the first midterm comes. humans need that hope of a new beginning because, well, lets face it. we are all failures when held up against the high standards we have set for ourselves. and what better way to evade failure than creating a promise of a blank slate?

it reminds me of a story of salvation that i've been trippin' on. and by "trippin'" i mean "can't get over" or "amazed" not "stuck on some small idea" as urbandictionary.com likes to define it as.

beam me up, scotty

reading transports me into the lives of others. where i can analyze their thoughts while avoiding my own.

control freak.

i think i struggle with the issue of control a lot. it shows its ugly face in almost every aspect of my life. im not talking about control as in i lose control and get all crazy or anything. i just find it very very very difficult to let things go. its something i have to work on, fosho. i'd much rather be in charge. haha, i'd rather do everything by myself instead of letting others help me. major control freak right here, people.

i also get really upset when things dont go my way. im just really good at hiding it. except to some people. with them, i can't hide it no matter how hard i try. sucks to be you guys!

all in all, i don't know which one is better... having everything in my hands and being stressed because there's so much to do or letting things go and being stressed that things will go wrong and i won't be able to do anything about it because, once again, its not in my control.

ehh. on a different note, i want a dslr.

xanga or blogger?

i feel like im cheating on my xanga...

monmartre, paris